Its been a while since i have been on here. lately i have been wanting to just write but my penmenship sucks so i dont like using pen and paper! thats just me! :) but anyways, lately things in my life have turned around. some for the good and some for the bad i guess you can say. ive become a hard person. give or take. i dont really feel any sort of emotion. i recently was at a funeral for a family friend who i have known my whole life it seems like. and while i was at this funeral service i could not feel any sort of sadness. i wanted to cry. i wanted to mourn but i couldnt. i dont know what it is. its been like this for a while now. ever since my grandmother passed away in 2005 or 2006 i havent been the same emotionally. i do have a heart. i do cry but for stupid things. like girls. i mean WHY should i cry over a girl?? it makes no sense to me! in my 21 years of life i have had crushes on plenty of girls. girls out of my league. girls that i just thought were chill and cool. but there have only been 2 girls i have ever fell in love with. denise was my neighbor for like 4 years and i consider her my best friend. she was perfect. i loved her. she never broke my heart in the sense of being together and us breaking up. she was the one that got away. my fault. and then alyssa came along. this girl got the best of me. i mean she really got the best of me. i spent so much time chasing her. i actually thought i had a chance. i was chasing the wind. and i never caught it. it was a roller coaster with her. i mean up and down ! it was hard. for 4 years of my life i chased this girl! 4 years of chasing for nothing. this is the only girl ive ever cried over. and because of her i dont get close to girls. i dont chase. i loved her and got my heart broken! but i think everyone needs to experience heartbreak. but thats just me. back to the point (if there is one) i find it hard to cry. at times when i should cry i dont and times when i shouldnt i do. as time goes on i pray God softens my heart. and i know He will. i will be writing hopefully every week and have some topics. thanks for reading whoever you. its much appreciated. Zac
p.s. if alyssa reads this im sorry hahah
